I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i out mim tonsoeep
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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