I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my shit smells like andre
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize