i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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