yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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