The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
