My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
