This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
