you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
