Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
