dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
