I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
