The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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