My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You made out with two different species that night
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
