first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
