i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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