Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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