Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
