Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
