went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
