Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
