somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's shark week go big or go home
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
