My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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