I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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