oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
