How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
