She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
