First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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