the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
