Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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