I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
