My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
