Whatcha textin bout Willis?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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