He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
