if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
