remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
