What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
