Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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