The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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