I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
