in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
