I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
