Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
