she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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