I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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