All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
