i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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