It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize