my phone needs a breathalizer
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
