My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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