I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
