saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
