He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
