Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
