My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
