Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
