I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
