The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
