I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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