either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
