Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
