I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
and you fell through a lawn chair
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
