Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
