dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
