They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have aggressive nipples.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
