Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
