if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
