This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
