Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
