Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
